(4) Barney 3075, 
(3) Troy McClureAndrew Zinner: The uglier side of Springfield rears its deviant head. I have to vote for Troy, because of the time he did the infomercial with the self-help doctor. When Doc drew a circle and said this represented Troy, McClure exclaimed, "My God! It's like you've known me all my life." Well, that circle is me. It's all of us. Excuse me, I think I have something in my eye.
CH Nager: I'm voting for Barney Gumble because he's the only one with the sack to state what have refused to believe: Barbershop music has indeed gotten stale. But, Y'know, I don't think he looks anything like Bryant Gumble! Are you sure they're related?
Matt Livenspire: Ladies and gentlemen, children of all ages. I urge you to vote for Barney Gumble. In this time of outrageous college costs, it's time to show those deans like Dean Wormer of Faber that fat, drunk, and stupid IS a way to live your life.
Results: Sweet 16
(3) Troy McClure 3182, 
(10) Dr. Nick Riviera 2055
Once, Troy McClure and Dr. Nick Riviera were infomercial buddies hawking the whisper-quiet "Juice Loosener." But in the Sweet 16, Springfield's biggest hack and most prominent quack faced off as enemies...and it didn't take long for Troy to end the good doctor's Cinderella run. But can we really call him a good doctor? Troy probably knows more about medicine just by starring in "Lead Paint: Delicious but Deadly."
Jeff Alford: Although I have to respect any guy who picked up chicks in medical school by telling them he could prescribe any drug he wanted, Dr. Nick is just no match for the star of "Today We Kill, Tomorrow We Die." It's got to be Troy McClure the man whose educational films taught us that vegetarians aren't crazy, just stupid. However, you have to be over 18 for his eleven o'clock show. "It gets a little blue."
Alan Levy: Hi, I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from previous Tournament slaughters such as, "Nelson gets Full-Nelsoned: A Bully gets Bullied" and "Devouring Uter." Be sure to catch my next performance in "Dr. Nick: Goodbye Everybody!"
Daniel T. Sullivan: "Sure I can prescribe anything baby." Anything except a way to cure the serious case of whoop ass that Troy McClure has opened on the good Doctor. Silly Dr Nick how could you expect to defeat a man we remember so fondly from such films as "The Electric Gigolo" and "A Fish Taco Called Juanita" (With Cheech Marin!)
(4) Barney 2705, 
(1) Krusty the Klown 2309
Holy 12-step programs -- another No. 1 seed hits the bricks. It's the end for Krusty the Klown...time to go back to salvaging shipwrecks for scrap metal as Rory B. Bellows. Barney's still being the best damned Barney he can be (along with occasional appearances as Krunchy the Klown). So until the Elite Eight, Barney will be busy filling his Q zone with pure beer goodness, including Raspberry Duff, Lady Duff, Tartar Control Duff....
Geoff Kirwan: Any man willing to eat one of his own substandard Krusty-brand breakfast cereal products -- "Krusty-O's" (with the bonus jagged metal "O") on syndicated television is braver than some beer swilling wino.
Eli Quinn: Krusty showed his blatant disregard for money by burning Action Comics #1. But Barney showed his blatant disregard for health by guzzling varnish. You simply must respect a man whose lips form a cascade of waves as he belches up fish skeletons. Barney all the way!
Eileen Loh-Harrist: Krusty's questionable business decision to locate a Krusty Burger franchise on an offshore oil rig saved Bart and Homer (and the Flanders, but we can overlook that); his revelation that he can't read gives hope to every public school slacker that booze, babes, benjamins and Bentleys are within the grasp of any illiterate schmo, and he's inspired us all with the example that you CAN turn your life around if the IRS catches you (via faking your own death, assuming an alternate personality, taking out plenty of life insurance on said personality, and faking HIS death). As for Barney, he may have a hauntingly beautiful singing voice, pilot skills and filmmaking talent, but his humorous inability to stay off the bottle just sends him back into Moe's time after time to befoul the pool table. Don't cry for Barney ... he's already dead.
Andy Collins: While part of me wants to put all my money on Barney to beat the Klown because "he's due!", I can't trust my bankroll on a drunken astronaut wanna-be.
Results: Second Round
(4) Barney 2890, 
(5) Lenny 1063
Even though he's the only one who knows how to unjam the rod bottom dissociator, it's too late for Lenny. We even gave him the chance to move on to the Sweet 16 if he could tell us why he deserved it without using the letter "E", but he failed. His permanent smile does little to hide his pain when beaten senseless by Barney and his alcohol-inspired elephant (Thanks, pinkie! You've always been there for me!). Now, where's me toothpick?
Adam Scherer: Tough call. Both have proved that they stand by their convictions. Nobody's gonna stop Lenny from hosting a casual get-together, and just try telling Barney that England's greatest Prime Minister was someone other than Lord Palmerston. Even though there's a lotta buzz around Lenny, I have a feeling when all the votes have been counted we'll hear, "Gentlemen, you've both worked very hard. And in a way, you're both winners. But in another, more accurate way, Barney's the winner."
Frank LaRosa: Mr. Lenny is a loser (and I think he's a boozer) so you better cast your vote for the Plow King!
Rick Pelletier: Lenny's gonna take Barney to one of those metaphorical cabins and stuff'em 'til he doesn't know what's what!
Sam Mitchell: Lenny deserves my vote because he is a simple man with simple desires. He used the dental plan to get a diamond implanted in his tooth, he sold his stock in the power plant to surgically transform his face into a permanent smile, and if he had only one wish, it'd be to wear a shirt that's been ironed. Plus he rubs Homer's bald head for luck and pinches him to hear his girlish laugh.
Henry Koltz: How can you not vote for a guy who befouled Moe's broom closet, then made sweet love to his pool table...which he then befouled? In this match, Barney befouls Lenny's tournament run. Barney in a landslide.
(10) Dr. Nick Riviera 2065, 
(2) Waylon Smithers 1986 1475
Welcome welcome welcome to the biggest upset of the tournament! In down-to-the-wire action action action, Dr. Nick Riviera sent Waylon Smithers packing packing packing. It was mayhem mayhem mayhem! Post-fight x-rays revealed extensive soft tissue trauma, whiplash and bonus eruptus -- holy smokes, you need booze! But before Smithers heads off to that resort where they don't allow photos, maybe Dr. Nick will do him a favor and perform a lengthening AND a widening.
L. Beaumont: This whole contest has had no major upset. Twinkle toes Smithers and his pink Elephant can ride off into the sunset.
Sam Mitchell: How can anyone vote against Dr. Nick here? He's as good as Dr. Hibbert--his ad says so. Anyone with credentials as prestigious as a degree from Hollywood Upstairs Medical College is at the top of his field. Plus, where would Smithers be without him? Only the anonymity of Dr. Nick's shady practice provides the necessary means for curing an ailment that prevents Smithers from being able to sit.
Chris Gravely: My vote is for Smithers: a hard-working, loyal yes man. This vote can be decided on intelligence alone: Smithers can program a computer ("Smithers...you're quite good at...turning me on"). Dr. Nick , who claims to be "as good as Dr. Hibbert," is often confused ("Inflammable means Flammable?! What a country!").
Tony Cajiga: "The knee bone's connected to the... something, the something's connected to the... red thing". And Dr. Nick's foot is going to be firmly connected to Smithers' ass after this match-up. This one goes to the only contestant to graduate from Hollywood Upstairs Medical College.
(3) Troy McClure 1987, 
(6) Nelson Muntz 1475
You crazy people...haven't you heard of the food chain? In nature, one creature invariably eats another creature to survive. And judging by the big old chart on my wall, Troy's gobbling up everything in sight. You'd have to be a Grade A moron to vote for Nelson. So it's back to cooking chili, insulting other kids and listening to Andy Williams for Springfield's favorite bully. Say Troy bien!
David D. Rucker: Muntz is the bully of the block but when the chips are down and we need muscle for a Shelbyville invasion, who do the kids turn to? Muntz of course. Troy would have sold that lemon tree.
Patrick Kane: What's inside Nelson Muntz? Guts, black stuff, about 50 Slim Jims...and now my vote. I gotta respect any dude who, in response to the statement "You lied to me," says to his girlfriend (Lisa), "I'm sorry. Let's kiss." If only it were that easy, Nelson.
Andrew Potter: A vote for the bully of all bullies. I can feel a Nelson upset in the bottom of my tummy, I mean stomach, I mean crap factory.
Louis Frlan III : Anybody who can handle the delicate subject matter contained in "Fuzzy Bunny's Guide to You Know What" has my vote. Troy will definitely make a monkey out of Nelson and celebrate with a nice fresh trout.
Alan Levy: Look, everybody...It's the boy who laughs at everyone, getting his butt kicked by a washed up sexually deviant actor in the second round. Let's all laugh at him now.
(1) Krusty 2523, 
(8) Jasper 1184
Krusty didn't need any ballot-box chicanery to send Jasper packing. He's had plenty of guys come after him, and he's buried them all -- Sea Captain, Joey Bishop...and he slaughtered the Special Olympics. He's beaten the IRS. He's bamboozled the Mafia. Yea, a veritable Rasputin! Jasper's lived a long life, but it's time to go. He did pass along one word of advice before he shuffled off to the Springfield Retirement Castle in the sky: "Stuffing the ballot box....that's a paddlin'!"
Mark Hamilton: With his army of TV-viewing fans and celebrity friends, not to mention the healthy campaign war chest he built up by luckily being the beneficiary of the late Rory B. Bellow's life insurance, Herschel Krustofski is sure to steamroll over poor Jasper and on toward the Final Four. Of course, if he were to be defeated you'd have a hard time convincing me that his demise had not been faked.
Frank LaRosa: I voted for Krusty because he gave me a free Canyonaro -- and the back seat was filled with boxes of used-up porno.
Stephen C. Shaklee: Even if Krusty wins, look for Jasper to reappear, as he did after being cryogenically frozen in the Kwik-E-Mart.
Alan Levy: Well, Jasper may get crushed by the Klown, but at least he can go to the newly rebuilt Burlesque House to get away from his troubles. And no need to worry, they were not talking about the Bordello.
Erik Williams: I have to vote for Krusty because if it weren't for his "Krusty Brand Oral Contraceptives," which my mother used, I would not be here today. Thank you Krusty!
Liane Aronchick: Forget dynamism or hilarity, this is a vote between a wooden leg and a third nipple. The third nipple must win.
Results: First Round
(8) Jasper 2103, 
(9) Itchy 1312
Jasper's rules are simple: 1) "Matlock" every day, 2) Sidewalks are for regular walking, not for fancy walking, and 3) Talking out of turn...that's a paddling. Looking out the window...that's a paddling. Staring at my sandals...that's a paddling. Paddling the school canoe...ooh, you better believe that's a paddling. Itchy lives by no such moral code -- he'll tie his best friend's tongue to a rocket and send it to the moon, he'll clone him just so he can kill him faster, he'll feed him parts of his own stomach so he never gets full, and so on. This society needs rules. Jasper wins, and adds a new rule to his list: Voting for Itchy....that's a paddling.
James Brase: As a cat hater and someone who can appreciate creative violence, I have to go with Itchy on this one. How can you not want to keep a character who forces his nemesis to bungee jump into a volcano using his own gasoline-soaked intestines? Besides, who could honestly say they'll miss Jasper when he goes to that great nursing home in the sky?
David Vacca: Itchy: Homicidal maniac. Jasper: Skilled plate twirler. But, as soon as Itchy appears, Jasper will just change the channel ("Matlock" is on!), forcing Itchy to come out of the television and confront Jasper directly. And we've seen how well that works. Jasper should win this one.
Chris Aronchick: Itchy will try to kill Jasper by playing his skeleton like xylophone, but Jasper will simply ask, "You played who in the what now?" He'll take his wooden leg and squash that jerk Itchy and throw him in a wheel barrow. Then he'll exclaim, "What a time to be alive!"
Matt Flickner: Jasper was instrumental in the naming of the Matlock Expressway. What has Itchy done for Springfield lately?
David Grenier: Itchy and Scratchy are a dramaturgical diad. Without the cat making it to the second round, having the mouse there is useless. Score this one to Frostillicus.
(6) Nelson Muntz 3096, 
(11) Miss Hoover 302
Meet Nelson Muntz, Master of Disaster. He shot Martin's flying machine at the science fair, used a frog for a hacky sack, stole 8,000 skee ball tickets and traded them in for a b-b gun (although he had to think twice about the easy-bake oven, because 'hot food is tempting') -- he even brought down the mighty Sunsphere with one rock! But he also has a softer side, as shown by his love for Andy Williams' music, his romantic interest in Lisa and his vast knowledge of huckleberries. All Miss Hoover has going for her is she drinks kahlua while grading papers. Smell you later, Miss Hoover.
Michael Pickard: When Nelson loses this battle, he will let out a mighty "HA ha," which will be followed by a moment of realization, and the wistful comment "Aww, that hurts. No wonder no one comes to my birthday parties." In the background, Miss Hoover will say "the children are right to laugh at you."
Clancy Hoy: Despite his promise as a young bully, Nelson Muntz was whipped into donning his Sunday best by Lisa Simpson. Miss Hoover shamelessly acted in the corporate interest by serving up tripe to Springfield Elementary students. A snappy catch phrase and thirty years are the only things that separate these two kiss-asses.
Rick Britton: Hey, She's not your mom, she's Miss Hoover, and she's better because she's aware that embiggens is a perfectly cromulent word.
Erick T. Bieger: Although his hoodlum friends may think he's a "charlatan" at times, Nelson has the heart of a saint that can be seen in his love for Andy Williams. I use Nelson's own words in my rebuttal to Miss Hoover - "Cram it, Ma'am!"
Scott Cartier: For a guy that's like a riddle wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a vest, Nelson's got it all. An office in the men's john, underlings to do his bidding, and a belittling laugh. Plus he's doing well in Home Ec.
Eric Perkins: That's for besmirching an innocent girl's name, and that's for wasting teacher's valuable time.
(10) Dr. Nick Riviera 2727, 
(7) Edna Krabappel 1250
Dear Edna,
Welcome to Dumpville. Population: You.
I mean, how could you really complete with a Renaissance man such as Dr. Nick? He has found all sorts of new medical conditions (skin failure, bonus eruptus, etc.), and lest we forget, he also invented a 'whisper-quiet' juicer. Edna, we can only hope you find solace in the arms of Seymour Skinner, or the closest NHL all-star named Gordie.
Martin Dodge: It's gotta be Edna. One swipe of her ruler across Nick's bony knuckles, and he'll be making a bee line for real medical attention -- anywhere but his office, of course. If Edna can survive Bart, Ralph, Nelson, and the rest of the Number-One-With-a-Bullet Class from Hell, she can make Albanian mincemeat of the doc. (That IS an Albanian accent, isn't it?)
Arthur Steedman: Dr. Nick has to get the vote, if for no other reason than the creative work he did on his old friend Mr. McCraig, with a leg for an arm and an arm for a leg...
Jeff Doke: Hoo-boy, ol' Edna is gonna need a whole case of "Chef Lonely Heart's Soup For One," since she's gonna be watching the rest of the competition from the sidelines, searching the crowd in vain for her darling Woodrow!
Michael Boylan: Maybe it's the Charlie Brown candle that melted down to below his yellow jersey or maybe it's her steamy love affair with Principal Skinner. Either way, Edna Krabappel is one hot ticket.
Liane Aronchick: Though I appreciate Edna's blatant nymphomania and exemplary teaching skills, I have to vote for the man who receives greetings from mass quantities of people in unison every time he walks into a room. Dr. Nick can perform an illegal operation on me any day, especially on those days when I trip and fall onto a bullet.
(1) Krusty the Klown 2425, 
(16) Dr. Marvin Monroe 538
This was hardly a contest, seeing as how the good doctor has been dead for several seasons, and we have yet to see any evidence that it was a faked death. Not only is Krusty savvy enough to fake his own death, but he's shown the type of perseverance (gambling problems, womanizing, illiteracy) needed on the long, grueling Road to Springfield.
Jeff Cerkvenik: Hey! Hey! Hey! Dr. Monroe was slaughtered by Krusty in the abattoir. This is satiety that a gourmand could truly enjoy with a Machiavellian countenance.
Erick T. Bieger: Krusty has to get the vote. As an extra-nippled person I find that I must vote for one of my own kind.
Dan Shmikler: Although Krusty has been known to die on stage from time to time, Dr. Monroe has actually been buried. This one isn't even a worthy tune-up for the great mini-bicycle swallower.
Monty Ashley: Dr. Monroe: dead
Krusty: Gets fifty dollars just for "Hey hey!" Considers the happiest
place on Earth to be Tijuana. Bears uncanny resemblance to Handsome Pete.
This one won't be pretty.
(5) Lenny 73, (12) Gil 60
Oh, Gil, why'd you bet the payroll on yourself? Hey you -- how many votes can I put you down for? A lot? Please say a lot. Gil needs to seal this deal. Alas, the wolf's at ole Gil's door, and that wolf's name is Lenny...or should we say President Lenny? He won't need a facelift to smile today, because he's moving on to the second round.
Monty Ashley: Every single thing Gil says is pure comedy. Lenny may live in a hovel, but Gil's been sleeping in the hot-air balloon.
Craig D. Barker: This is the underdog I have been waiting for. Essentially, Gil could have been a one-trick character, parodying Jack Lemmon in Glengarry Glen Ross, but instead has become the Hans Moleman of the new millennium! Gil forever!
Angus McLean: Selling rust-proofing for Coleco computers easily marks Gil as more miserable than President Lenny -- in spite of the pudding in the eye.
Matt Pickens: Lenny has it all over Gil, no doubt about it. Can you even imagine the distaff Simpsons sewing frantically away at decorative samplers in honor of embodiment-of-pathos Gil? No, you can not. Lenny all the way.
Jeanne L. Gilbert: Gil is born to lose. He's got the will to fail (he seems to make an effort, but he never can connect; and while he's very rational, he's seldom if ever, and practically never, correct), so there's no way he could actually win a contest of any sort. Lenny, on the other hand, has moments of insight and clarity (disability is like a lottery that rewards stupidity) -- an effective weapon against Gil's ineptitude. A surprisingly easy win for happy-go-lucky Lenny.
Earl Humphreys: I vote for Lenny, much as I love Gil ("I brought this wall from home!"), based solely on his line in the motorcycle gang episode. Flanders suggests that they pick a name less sacrilegious than Hell's Satans, and Lenny responds "How about the Christ Punchers?"
(3) Troy McClure 58, (14) Uter 10
You all knew him from "Today We Kill, Tomorrow We Die" and "Good-Time Slim, Uncle Doobie, and the Great 'Frisco Freak-Out." Now you know Troy McClure as the man who destroyed a little German boy's hopes of making it big in America. Perhaps we should have seen this coming...Troy knew of the dangers of towel-snapping (from his educational film "Locker Room Towel Fights: The Blinding of Larry Driscoll"), while Uter was foolish enough to expose his heaving bosoms for all to see, leading to this horror:
Craig D. Barker: Hi, I'm Troy McClure, you may remember me from such previous beat downs as "Preacher with a Shovel" or "The President's Neck is Missing."
Michael Vicki: You might remember Troy McClure spanking around Uter like a bad little Bratwurst. The best thing that ever happened to Uter was when he got eaten for lunch by all the kids in Springfield Elementary.
Gwendolyn Kestrel: Troy McClure! You may remember him from such films as "I Smashed the Little German Kid's Face In" or "Actor Gathers the Popular Vote."
Jason Winders: You might say there's a little Uter in all of us. Gotta go with the German boy.
Mike Selinker: To quote Nelson Muntz, "Hey German boy, go back to Germania!" Troy McClure serves up Uter like Lunchlady Doris stuffing Uterbraten.
David Aronchick: "Lead Paint, Delicious but Deadly" and "Here Comes the Metric System" -- I would take his dainty hoof in marriage any day.
(4) Barney Gumble 38, 
(13) Poochie the Dog 6
Barney's sheer dominance taught us all a lesson in corporate greed...you can't create success in a test tube. A true character must be grown organically -- Barney did not start out as a singer/songwriter/plow driver/helicopter pilot/film director/astronaut. But from his humble beginnings as a town drunk, he became all those things and more.
Maybe Poochie wasn't as good as 10 Super Bowls. Maybe he was a little too proactive for most. Maybe he was Rasta-fied too much. But at least Poochie deserves credit for sacrificing himself in an attempt to save his home planet.
And if you don't agree -- you can cram it with walnuts, ugly!
Keith Boyd: I vote Barney. Poochie = Worst Spin-Off Character EVER.
Daniel Purcell: Barney: glorious operatic tenor, can pilot light plane, award-winning indie filmmaker, can do back handsprings while singing Gilbert & Sullivan.
Poochie: no redeeming qualities whatsoever.
Easy choice. Barney moves on.
Jake Page: I don't see how the damn backwards baseball cap wearing dog is even in the tourney, let alone ranked above Santa's Little Helper. Might as well call him "Notre Dame the Dog". Anyone who votes for him probably had a pet dog run over by the snow plow as a child. Get over it -- drunk or not, when the Plow King runs over your dog, he's dead.
Mike Selinker: Barney, of course. This is a no-brainer. Now, if it were Barney vs. Roy, the added member of the Simpson family during the Poochie episode, that'd be another story.
Andy Collins: The day I vote for Poochie is the day I drive a nail through my brain.
Gumble all the way.
Dan Shmikler: In a manner of speaking, both of these worthy contestants are winners. In another, more accurate, way of speaking, Barney is the winner.
(2) Waylon Smithers 26, 
(15) Rainier Wolfcastle 12
Too many German sausages did in poor, fat Rainier, who couldn't rebound from an early 10-1 deficit. Sausage has never been a problem for Waylon Smithers, who now cruises into the second round. What's left for Rainier? Perhaps a return to his roots to endorse his favorite food ... "Mein bratwurst has a first name, It's F-R-I-T-Z. Mein bratwurst has a second name, It's S-C-H-N-A-C-K-E-N-P-F-E-F-F-E-R-H-A-U-S-E-N."
What you said:
Liane Aronchick: Waylon Smithers. Though I give credit to Wolfcastle for jumping from an airplane while on fire to break the neck of a surrendering German, but Waylon's so subtle yet so blatant gay tendencies take the cake.
Andy Collins: My vote goes (reluctantly) to Waylon Smithers. Don't get me wrong, anybody who can pull off the line "Women and seamen don't mix" has a lot of chutzpah.
But I feel like the little kid at the end of McBain VIII: The Final Agony, standing in the empty road, wailing after his lost hero:
"McBain! Come back, McBain!"
Oh Rainier, how low you've sunk. Sure, you were never the brightest bulb in the shed. ("Upon further inspection, these are loafers.") But you used to be The Man, and now you're nothing but a chump.
Bye, Wolfcastle. It was "ice" to see you.
Dan Shmikler: I must vote for Rainier Wolfcastle, who is waiting outside with Maria in the Hummer. For those of you who voted for Smithers, perhaps you all are homosexuals, too.